Matthew 5:4 says, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted”.
Today my heart is broken, and, yes, that heart break was my choice.
I am a foster mother. I have been for the last three years. At 15 years old I felt God’s call on my life to work with the orphan, the forgotten child, the one who would grow up in a world without love. And, though that calling was a seed planted in my heart, I had to wait 16 years before I could see the first sprouts spring forth. God knew that I was going to need a deep and intricate root system before I could have that first child in my home.
God, my loving Father, knew that I needed experience in His love and mercy. He knew that I would need deep and lasting friendships, and most of all, He knew that I would need an understanding of His sovereignty and goodness. So that 19 years after I knew what He wanted me to do, I would be able to handle days like today.
Today I am hurting and broken. Today I am angry because the justice system is simply not just. Today my eyes have a constant layer of tears just below the surface waiting to spring forth. Today I just want to do something easier, something that doesn’t ask me to allow my heart to be crushed over and over again. God, though, didn’t ask me to do the things that are easy.
So many “Christians” believe that if you are faithful in your quiet times, tithe regularly, and serve a Sunday or two in the nursery, you should experience blessings in the form of wealth and comfort. They ignore passages that say to “present your bodies as a LIVING SACRIFICE” (Rom. 12:1) and “whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their CROSS daily and follow me.” (Luke 9:23). They do not realize that “if we are children, then we are heirs–heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, IF indeed we SHARE in his SUFFERINGS in order that we may also share in his glory.” (Rom. 8:17)
You see, the world offers a performance based system. The world’s formula is work hard, be wise, give, but not too much, and you will be successful, and if God’s formula were the same, what, really, would He be offering us? How would following Him be any different? If He intended to reward us here, in the same way that the world rewards, then what would we gain by following Him?
No, God’s economics are so very different than the worlds. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in WEAKNESS. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For WHEN I AM WEAK, then I am STRONG.”
I am not strong. I am weak, and by the world’s economics I should run from the life I have chosen. I have had person after well meaning person tell me, “I could not be a foster parent because it would hurt to much” or “You must be so strong, because I could never be able to give back a child”. Well, let me tell you, I HURT when I send a child back home.
It will not be many more weeks before I send a precious baby home. I have had her since she was 1 day old. She came home from the hospital to me, and I have loved her fiercely since I first set eyes on her. She is beautiful, strikingly so. Her smile brightens up the darkest room. Her laughter is one of the best sounds I have ever heard. Her tears break my heart. I know what makes her smile. I know what she wants when she cries. I know where she is ticklish. I am her mother. We don’t look alike. I did not carry her in my womb, but I have given her my entire heart as I did with the children that I did once carry there.
Loving her over the last 12 months has felt like holding my heart in my hands, saying, “if you want to stomp this, you can.” I could not hold back my heart from her. She deserves every piece of my love, and there will be a large whole left in my heart when she leaves, especially because I will be sending my precious girl into a home that is not ideal. I’m worried, because I see great hope and life and potential in her eyes, and yet, her new home may very well cause the light to go out of her eyes.
My hope, though for myself and for her, rests in my Savior. That though I am broken and afraid, though I feel like the courts have failed, I can have confidence in Him. As in the story of Joseph, who’s brothers sold him into slavery, I can say, “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” (Gen 50:20) I know that God will take care of my girl. He says, “Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?”
My heart is broken today. I do not want to continue having my heart broken again and and again. I want an easier calling. I want to run and hide and protect myself, but I trust in a Father that is better than I. I trust in economics that are opposite of the worlds. I believe that my brokenness will bring strength, not mine but the Fathers. I hope in a God who can take what is evil and turn it into good. I have seen it in my life before, and I will see it again.
“Blessed are those that mourn, for they shall be comforted.” Lord, I am mourning the coming loss of a daughter. I am trusting in YOU for comfort.