Three weeks ago today our little man entered our world a scared, shy, fearful new member of our family. He has come a very long way in those 3 weeks. Now he laughs loudly and loves to wrestle with Josh and the boys. He even reaches out to pet our dog, Miss Darcy, when he used to cry every time she walked into the room. He has gone from terror filled screaming when put in his bed to barely even crying at bedtime. We have gotten through most of the first month chaos, and he is adjusting very well to being a part of our family. Well, adjusting to everything but me.
Typically, I am the favorite when it comes to our foster children. Typically small children love me, but not T. If he is laughing hysterically before I walk in a room, and I walk in, he stops and gives me a blank stare. If I tickle him, and he begins to laugh, he catches himself and looks away. Most of the time he is okay with snuggling with me, but every once in a while when I hold him he purposefully looks away from me, so that he does not have to look at me. He laughs and giggles, jokes and plays with everyone else in the house. It’s really just me he doesn’t like.
As you might guess, this has been hard for me. It is hard to bond with someone who merely tolerates you. It is hard to give sacrificially to a little one knowing that he really would be happier if you just weren’t around. It is hard on my ego to know that I am the official buzz killer of said little man. It is hard to take him out in public or pick him up from Sunday School knowing that others are seeing what is so obvious. T doesn’t like me.
I began praying though, that God would allow me to fall in love with him. I prayed that I would have the capacity to press on, even though it is not my vision of how things should be, and let me tell you, friends, God answered my prayer.
On Sunday, I was having a somewhat emotional day. Mother’s Day is always a day that I enjoy. I feel honored and blessed by my own mother and my mother in law. I feel valued by my husband and children, but it is, also, a very emotionally draining day for me. It is the day that I stop and think about all of the children that I have lost, and how terribly I miss them. This past Mother’s Day was no exception. I thought about my Chan, who has just learned to walk, and how desperately I wanted to see her take those first steps. I thought of my many boys scattered about with their sweet families, wondering if I will ever see them again.
I, also, thought of the twins that I lost 2 years ago, at home with their Heavenly Father. I miss them so much, though I never once saw their eyes or heard them laugh or cry. I was heart broken and sad on Sunday, and yet God, in His loving kindness reminded me of what He had given me. As I held our little T in my arms, I realized that he was only a month older than my littles would have been. He, in his pudgy little toddler ways, was my sweet glimpse of my babies. His coos and babbles are like echos of their voices. His funny little giggles and pitiful little cries (well, sometimes very loud cries), are like glimpses of my angel babies.
Nothing in my life has changed. I still miss my babies. T still doesn’t really like me, but now I am different. Since Sunday, it has not been hard to hold him as he looks away from me. During these last four days, it has not been hard to hear him stop laughing when he catches me looking at him. Today it is easier to sacrifice for him, to try harder to make him smile, because today I love him desperately. Now my sweet T has my heart, and, given time, eventually, I will win his.
I Corinthians 2:9 “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him. ” Thank you, Jesus, for allowing me to see the gift you have given me in T.